Oh for fuck's sake ...

Both seasons, it has taken me a couple of weeks to get used to get used to the German way. Being starred at. Pushed aside by Oma while waiting in line to pay for groceries. Told that I didn't recycle or dispose of my trash correctly. Scolded, even.

And scolded I have been. Lemme tell ya. I'd say, once a week on average, Linden's kindergarten teacher (who I absolutely adore) says something that makes me want to go sarahpalinmamabear on her ass.

If you don't understand the German way, it's easy to think Germans are rude. I'll never understand the starring (I know I'm a hottie patottie but c'mon!) or shoving (easy, Oma!). But one thing I have learned is that when having a conversation, in English, with a German, a lot of the niceties of the English language are simply lost in translation.

Starring and shoving aside, they're not rude at all. They're just direct. So if you want to know if you look fat in your skinny jeans, ask a German. If you want to know how you're doing as a parent, send your kid to German kindergarten.

Week 2: "Redbull is not an appropriate drink for a three year old."

First day of kindergarten.

Since when? Kidding. Linden had only been in school for two weeks when I accidentally sent him with Redbull in his back pack. I explained, until blue in the face, that it was my Redbull. I had planned to stay at school with him that day, as I had done in the days prior. But when she sent me home, I forgot to grab it. I could tell by the look of disgust on her face that she wasn't buyin' it. I mean, as if I am not aware that Redbull is not an appropriate drink for my toddler. Not a day goes by that I'm not tempted to slip another one in there, for funsies.

Week 4: "It is not okay that the kids have had to share their snack with Linden for the past few weeks."
Linden needs a snack? No one told me snack wasn't provided. Add this to the mile-long list of things I have learned the hard way over here. How mortifying is it that the other kids have had to share their snack with the poor, malnourished, Redbull-chugging American kid?

Week 7: "But all of the kids sauna."
Linden's class takes a trip to the sauna roughly once a month. Each kid must have a robe, a bathing suit, bath shoes, and six euro. I don't really know what to say other than that I don't see the point. So I keep him home on sauna days. When she pressured me about why I wanted to keep him home, reminding me that all of the kids sauna, I put it on my husband. "Sorry, it's my husband's deal ..." Seemed like a good idea at the time. Until it backfired the first time he went to pick Linden up. She cornered him. He said the conversation ended with him saying, "it's uh, for uh, religious reasons". Wow. Just ... wow.

Week 8: "All the kids wear tights."
It's the cutest thing ever. Nuggets in tights. A lot of German kids wear them during the day and only put their pants on, over the top, if they go outside. I bought Linden a pair of tights early on but I didn't realize he'd be expected to wear them alone. They're white. I know he's only three but ... it's an awkward sight. White tights. Cars underwear. Toddler package. It's not right. I can't do it. And at this point, I refuse to buy more when we're two months from going home. Call me crazy.

Sidenote: I asked Kym to ask TJ, if they had a little boy that was Linden's age, would he let him wear tights? His response? "Is she getting in trouble at kindergarten again?" See, happens all the time.

Week 10: "How did you not know? It is on the board. You don't read?"
I'm learning German as I go but seriously? The only way I am going to understand what is going on is if I ask every day (which they don't appreciate for whatever reason) or snap a photo with my cell phone and put it all into Google translate when I get home. Help a sistah out.

Week 11: "Linden needs his hair cut."

Better than a euro-mullet, right?

This conversation went nowhere, fast. Linden likes his hair long. Just like Daddy's. It's their "hockey flow". It's not going to change any time soon.

And how does this have anything to do with anything?



Week 13: "I think all of your moving is damaging for him."
I totally appreciate her concern. I do. But Linden talking about missing his Nama's house (which is what caused her to be concerned) doesn't mean that he is damaged. Hey, I miss my grandma. I'm not damaged, am I? Don't answer that.

I guess I prefer to focus on all of the amazing things we are exposing him to along the way. New cultures, new languages. Memories that are virtually priceless. And I guess, if we do pay a price, it's having to explain to him, now and then, that home is where his heart is ... where his family is. Doesn't seem so terrible to me.

Today: "You make another baby? Hockey players are horny all the time, no? It will be easy."
Oh for fuck's sake.