July 18, 2013

That's love, my dudes.

Once you kind of, put it all out there, it just seems inevitable that someone, somewhere, has something nasty to say. Shit, even when you don't put anything out there, people still find a way to rain on your parade. 

It just happens. It's life. And from the start, I prepared for it.

I figured that I had an especially large target on my back because I was honest, maybe to a fault, because I labeled myself a 'Hockey Wife' - a term with which I now have a love/hate relationship, and because it was the first time a woman in my position had written about hockey, or living ‘the hockey life’ in this candid sort of way.

I expected people to say I was this, or that, or the other. I expected people to tell me to shut up.

For the first few months, I just wrote. I didn't think it through; I just put it out there. I tried not to think about the consequences of being honest. It was cathartic. I needed cathartic. So I ran with it.

As time passed, I started to second guess myself.

I started to wonder if I was sharing too much - or if my honesty would come back and bite me in the ass. I worried that people might not understand where I was coming from - or how I felt - or even my sense of humor. I started reading other blogs and the comments people left on them. And I caught myself shaking my head … a lot.

My girlfriend writes an (mostly) infertility blog. She minds her own business. She is open-minded. She is cool, calm, and collected. She is educated. She is caring and accepting. And she is sharing her personal story. Her. Story. She has a huge following and throws of supporters. But she also has "haters" – and I’m not talking about people who don't see things her way and let her know - I am talking about people who are out for blood.

I find it weird that people have so much to say about how someone else lives their life. And I find it pathetic that those people spend their time reading something they are intent on hating from the get-go. If you don’t like it, why are you here? You have too much time on your hands.

It seems that some people literally troll the internet looking for people to bash and berate.

I digress …

I have waited. And waited. And waited some more. For nearly five years, actually.

And nothing.

(thank god. and thank you too, for being so nice - at least to my face.)

I am sure the day will come when someone, somewhere, will have something nasty to say to me. My lucky streak can't continue forever.

That's okay.

I'm me. We're us. And what you find here is just a snippet of our story.

Sometimes he does stupid things. Sometimes I do stupid things. And I choose to write about it.

But we always, always, always love each other.

It’s not always graceful, but it’s there and it’s strong.

What allows me to put it all out there is the confidence I have in him and our love.

I believe in owning and accepting your shit. The good. The bad. All of it. You don't have to share it with the world, but if you have the courage to do so, I applaud you. If you have the courage to share your story, in the hope that someone, somewhere, will connect with it and not feel so alone or discouraged, I applaud you. If you have a tiff with your partner and you want to vent about it, go for it.

I don't think you're a bad wife. Or husband. I think you're normal. And I don't question your love for a second.

That's love, my dudes. It's brutiful.

And okay. Maybe I haven't received hate mail. But I have learned a thing or two about hate from the blogosphere these past few years. And because knowledge is power, I will share mine with you:

Sometimes, people try to expose what’s wrong with you, because they can’t handle what’s right about you. Some people will love you or hate you, before they even meet you. But when someone is nasty or treats you poorly, don’t take it personally. It says nothing about you - and a lot about them.



  1. Steph (MamaBear)July 18, 2013 at 7:05 PM

    I love you and your writing. You give me a perspective that has given me a deep respect for everyone who loves and supports an athlete. I hope that whomever has thought that you were not being respectful learns that you are human as is your hubs, OMG GASP REALLY? By giving him an occasional chance to write here and letting him know just in case, proves to me that yours is a strong union. I have no doubt that you will be fine.

  2. Well said!! :) I always greatly enjoy reading your blog.

  3. Right on. I would also say this: Sometimes, people try to expose what’s wrong with you, because they can’t handle what’s WRONG ABOUT THEMSELVES. So many people run around pointing out the bad and ugly about others because it takes their minds off of their own issues, which they refuse to own.

    The Internet has allowed people to be hateful and ugly behind the cloak of anonymity and that is a very sad commentary on the world in general. It's not new, but it is sad. I'm at a point in my life where I've had it with the hate and I'm returning to the old adage that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.

  4. A-freaking-men. I am really sorry to hear that your friend has encountered people like that. Especially after sharing such a personal struggle.

    And anyone that has thought that about you? It has never crossed my mind that your husband wouldn't be ok with what you wrote! I just always got the impression that you guys have a relationship where...ok this is crazy...you actually TELL THE OTHER PERSON HOW YOU FEEL! And you guys know the "rules" and boundaries of your relationship and if he didn't want you to post something that he would tell you. I just sort of got the impression that you were HUMAN.

    I am with the first commenter. I am over the hate. I am over negativity. I am sick of people that seem to exist for no reason than to complain about everything and everyone in the world. And judge everyone else in the world. Life is too damn short for such poisonous people. They are toxic. And the older I get the less tolerant I am. I have no use for them in my life. I hope to get to where I don't take it personally. Right now I still just want to punch people in the face when they are horrible! But I am getting better at just staying away and moving on!

  5. Love this post & love your honesty in each of your posts! Thank you!

  6. Haters gonna hate my friend...

  7. Need I remind you ....

    From your "Why" page: "I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand."

  8. All I have to say is….Freakin, Thank You.

  9. I am with you! Over the past year or so, my husband and I have developed this sort of 'zero tolerance' stance. If you are only here to bring negativity, or if you are incapable of being positive, supportive, or kind - bye! Talk to you when you've figured it out. You know? We'd just rather focus on the happy.

  10. That is a great addition! Thank you for sharing that!

    It's just too easy to sit behind a computer and rant and rave and make accusations and put people down. Seems some people even argue just to argue. Are you THAT bored? Why are you here if you don't like what you're reading?

  11. I remember you dealing with your fair share of negativity at the beginning of the season. I am happy that it died down and I am sorry if people were cruel.

    It's one thing to disagree with someone and express it to them, but it's something else to berate or belittle someone. Or to make judgments based on assumptions!


  12. Thank you so much Kim! I really appreciate your words and your readership! I'm glad you stick around! ;)

  13. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here Patricia! And for following on Twitter! I hope you continue to follow ...

  14. Thank you Steph! Such kind words.

  15. As a former hockey wife, I love this! Thank you , Stefanie Vandermeer for re-tweeting. It's still crazy that going back to "normal life" that people have no concept of how my life was and how your entire life is on display. I applaud anyone that can get through that crazy life bc we sure couldn't. Two good people that got swallowed up by the craziness of it all. People have no concept how tough it is to be in the world of professional athletics and how "unglamorous" and unstable it really is. We definitely were good at not looking at the blogs or dumb gossip sites, but ultimately it was just all too much. We were young and had no idea what was coming. Keep up the honesty and encouragement, bc there are plenty of hockey couples that need you now and will need you in the future! xo

  16. Your blog is honest, open, and often humorous. Why would I want to criticize someone or something that makes me smile and gives me the chance to think about something other then my own crap? We CAN NOT make room for trolls in own lives and shouldn't make room for them on the web. Keep on blogging and f*uck 'em if they can't take a joke (or reality).

  17. I read this regularly to laugh as it's almost a direct relation to the fabulous relationship I have with my wife. I long ago left the life of a hockey family, but can relate wholeheartedly to the experiences and happenings as if it were I being the drunken buffoon or the supporting, caring husband. There have been many times that my wife has also read and wondered if someone wasn't writing a biography of our relationship. Carry on!

  18. Thank you for contributing to the conversation! I probably think I am a lot funnier than I actually am, but it makes me happy to know that my sense of humor is not lost on my readers - that it, and my sarcasm, come through in my posts and that I have also managed to convey how much I truly love my husband too.

  19. Thank you, Connie! I'm with you. Why criticize period? If this space doesn't make a person happy, they can click the 'x' in the corner of their screen. You are right, there is no room. BUH-BYE! Haha!

  20. Holly, I am so glad you left this comment. Your words are so greatly appreciated. It's nice to know that my fellow 'hockey wives' appreciate this space for what it is, and for what it isn't. And that there are people who understand where I am coming from - and know that even if I joke or humorously vent about my husband, or hockey, that I wouldn't be here if I wasn't absolutely in love with him.

    I am sorry to hear that craziness got the better of you two, and I hope that you are in a good place now. It's not easy to maintain a marriage anyway, let alone with any additional pressure or stress. My husband and I have just kind of reached a place where we refuse to give anyone the power to make us miserable, bring us down, or contribute negatively to our life together. I am sure you can understand. You're in or you're out, you know? I really think that's key. Surround yourself with the right people; people who encourage you to be better and want to see you succeed. I plan to write, write, write this season - and I hope you stop by frequently! xoxo


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