November 29, 2013

... as I find my way back.

It's been awfully quiet around here.

There are a number of reasons for that.

When I started writing here years ago, I did so without the intention of anyone actually reading it. Once I realized that people had not only found my ramblings but actually enjoyed them, or at the very least, found them entertaining, I started writing more and more.

Sometimes it felt good to get it all out there. Sometimes I thought sharing an experience or a lesson might be helpful to someone else. Sometimes I was inspired. Sometimes I was bored.

Lately though, I've just been busy.

Busy, and scared to write much of anything.

There are numerous reasons behind that too. Some of them are ridiculously silly. My friend Kym can attest to that. And some of them are more legitimate.

Years ago, before the explosion of hockey-wife-bloggers, it was easy for me to maintain anonymity. No one cared about who I was, who we were. Being this nameless, faceless person made it easier to be open and honest. That's what I loved most about some of my earlier posts; I allowed my vulnerability to show. To shine, really. And you loved it too. It wasn't until readers started to think that my husband was an NHLer (which makes zero sense, as we have spent the majority of the past five years in Europe) and started searching for things like, "Who is the author of A Day in the Life of a Hockey Wife?" and "Hockey Wife, Son Linden, Europe"; their searches landed them here, and I realized my days as 'Hockey Wife' were numbered.

But his space continued to grow. And so did I. It was amazeballs.

Then, two years ago, my husband's team followed me on twitter. Ruh roh.

I nearly had a heart attack. I'm not kidding. I remember my hands shaking.

I knew what it meant: the eventual demise of A Day in the Life of a Hockey Wife.

I have always been conscious of the fact that, like it or not, I am viewed as an extension of my husband. So I choose my words carefully. I consider the consequences of my words before I publish them. And let me tell you, it's a lot easier to do that when you can hide behind a moniker like 'Hockey Wife'. Once I knew that they knew, it was a bit of a game changer.

How am I going to tell the truth when things suck? Now it has to be all sunshine and bunnies. 

Crap.

That season turned out to be one of my favorites, if not the favorite. When I sat down to write, it honestly was sunshine and bunnies. Minus that time I wrecked our car.

Problem solved, right? Well, kind of.

Not every season is going to be your season, you know? It happens. It's not fun but it's okay. It's life. Some seasons are amazing, some seasons are terrible. It can be any number of things.

Last season wasn't my season. It wasn't our season. I wanted to tell you about it. I started to. I have about 20 unpublished posts saved as drafts. But I couldn't. I can't.

As I predicted, the demise ... dun dun dun.

So it's been awfully quiet around here.

I have gone more than a year without really writing. I hate that. It eats at me. It's this nagging feeling of guilt and an unexplainable need to expel my truth. But as I sit here, thinking about all that has passed, I am realizing that it has probably been for the best.

I am trying this new thing where I 'inhale the good shit, exhale the bad shit'. (It's awesome by the way, I highly recommend it.)

So maybe one day, when I can look back on that season and laugh about it, I will share those stories. For now though, they are best left untold.

There have been ups and downs this season too, and I want to share them with you.

Going forward, I hope to find a balance somewhere between complete transparency and not pissing all the wrong people off.

I want to let you all in again, so bear with me as I find that balance ... as I find my way back.

I have missed you.

7 comments:

  1. I can't believe someone would actually google that... Can you say craaaaazy?! Blogs are supposed to be a place where you can open up and "vent" when things don't go your way. So, I totally agree, it is so hard when something happens and you can't vent, because like you said, you are an extension of your husband and you never know who will read. I hope things are going well for you guys this year and that you're enjoying every single minute of Europe. I'm so glad you're back(ish)!

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  2. I can't make this stuff up. I've actually taken screen shots of a few of them that simply blew my mind.



    I think this space just has to take another shape, some way, some how. I have found I don't need to "vent" nearly as much these days, but I have found that even sharing random stories is becoming increasingly difficult. Especially when people are putting my ramblings into Google Translate. I think, in some ways, I am just asking for trouble - and that's the last thing I need.



    Thanks Marla!

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  3. Danke! I will try to keep you busy with things to read ... xoxo

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  4. One of the reasons I love to read your blog is that you keep yourself anonymous. I loved the honesty that came with being anonymous. It's too bad.... I also enjoy your writing style. It's hilarious, raw, truthful and powerful. Thank you......

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  5. Thank you, your kindness is much appreciated. I am hoping I can still deliver that same truthfulness over the next few months as I write, but some stories will just have to wait to be told. As a 'veteran', I am sure you understand where I am coming from. ;) Keep reading, I'm not going anywhere.

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  6. Lol... I didn't know what name to use and I sure as hell wasn't going to use "oldhockeywife." I wasn't as good at being a hockey wife as you seem to be so I do enjoy reading how you handle certain situations.

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  7. Just checked into Hockey Wife for the first time in a while. So sorry to hear you've been forced into censorship this past year. Though I wish you could enjoy the cathartic benefit of writing freely like you did when you first started, ill say I've thoroughly enjoyed your posts just the same. i consistently laugh out loud and nod in agreement while reading. Theres often even an "amen, sister" in my head. I can relate to your having drafts of unpublished posts. It's tough to capture the bad and the ugly of this crazy hockey life without putting the hubby or your family in a difficult position! Hope this season is a better one for you than last and I wish you luck in finding the balance you're looking for in your writing

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